Tuesday, January 26, 2010

To Sleep...Or Maybe Not

William is at a sleep study with Billy tonight, and Chelsea is at the hospital in labor. It's a very odd night... Someone in Richmond is awake watching my son sleep. Chelsea is awake awaiting the painful arrival of my new beloved grandchild. I should be asleep but here I sit at my computer.

I received an email this week regarding my last post. She said how encouraging it was, for which I am so very glad. I sometimes wonder if anyone actually reads this blog, but is that why I do this? No, I do it because if people want to know how things are really going in the Coleman home, they can without my having to verbalize the situation which always makes me cry.

But this week, I have been listening to Steven Curtis Chapman a lot. His previous CD had a song on it called, "Broken" and it talks about how if we would all "remove our masks, even just for a day, we'd see that we're all broken." So is it wrong of me to cry? No, I really don't think so. But it makes others feel uncomfortable and I feel responsible for that. They have no idea what to say, and crying means we're broken and need to be fixed. But there is no fix for this situation except for a miracle or Christ returning like NOW. ;)

Yes, I should be asleep. I have Chloe and she will be up awfully early in the morning, and I will be tired. But, for tonight, I would really like to take off my mask, have a good cry, and just be broken for a time. So, while some of my children are sleeping, and while some of my children are laboring, I can take off the mask of normalcy and cry and ask the Lord to please just lift this burden for a little while, but if He should choose not to, to please provide the strength to continue carrying it.

And tomorrow, when everyone awakens, I will be tired, but I'll be tired with the knowledge that the Lord sees what is behind that mask and has promised me that He loves me anyway and that He understands the burden and will give me the strength to continue...even if I wear the mask that says, "Everything is just fine..."


Charlena Hitzges said...

I love you, Nanc... I know God has a special place in Heaven for you.

Anonymous said...

You can always cry around me! It never makes me feel uncomfortable. In fact, I think a crying person should hug a fat lady. So, next time you need a good cry, call me. I volunteer to be that fat lady!

Angie D.