Saturday, March 20, 2010

I Have No Idea

Other than this blog, we really don't make a public display of the situation. But, Will specifically, and our family generally, are prayed for regularly on Sunday morning. So, those that really don't know us that well are left not really having a clue as to why we are regularly mentioned.

This past Sunday after church, someone asked me what was wrong with Will and was this serious. I gave them the brief overview of the situation. They presume Will just gets headaches. Well, no, because a brain stem compression actually affects your autonomic nervous system which is what controls pretty much your basic functions of breathing, heart rhythm, and organ function. OH! You see reality begin to dawn. Then they voiced the question that no one has ever actually asked me. Is he going to live to be an adult? And you stand there looking at them going, "I have no idea how to answer you." To say, I have no idea is to voice the fears that I have. To say yes would be a lie because I truly have no idea. Will we lose him tomorrow? I don't think so. Is this shortening his life? Absolutely.

So I answered them, "I have no idea." They really did not have a clue how to handle that answer, and I had no idea how to further respond. We stood there for a moment just staring at one another. Am I afraid? Um, yeah. Do I trust in God's providence. Yes. Do I want to cry in grief because this shadow hangs over us? Definitely. So, they graciously and with shock all over their faces hugged me and headed home while I stood there, knowing my family was waiting in the van...watching this conversation...and not wanting to have to explain to Will and everyone else what had transpired.

So, once again, the non-emotional face goes on while inside, I'm stomping my foot and screaming because I don't want to have to answer "I don't know." I want to be able to say, "Of course he will be fine!" But I can't. And there is still so much to be endured...yet we will have to continue to say, "I have no idea."

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